Over and Over and Over

Going into this last week of Ango, I am finding myself practicing closely with all of my demons. They are always there, but at this moment they are arising in force. Perfect time. The pinnacle of my Shuso Ango, as the weather is getting warmer, as I enter the final phase of one my best school years in memory. Anxiety over family & money, depression, imposter syndrome. All my old friends have come out to help me practice. It's not smooth. It's not rosey. It hurts.

We are told by our teachers "This too". We are told by our teachers "all the ingredients of our life". We are told over and over. We NEED to hear it over and over (until we don't).

As much as my Zen Buddhist practice has done for me, my old friends know the layout of my house far too well.

For years, Rinsen's primary teaching for me was "don't be surprised". I think I am less surprised that they show up now, though of course I would prefer they did not.

So in the middle of all of this, what does it mean to be a model of practice?

For me, at this moment, it means that I need to practice. I need this practice.

Holding these things that arise in my heart and mind with an open hand. Not being surprised. Relentlessly taking refuge in Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Manifesting compassion for all (including myself). Bowing down in body, speech and mind. Looking to my Teachers and the Sangha, who are all my models of practice.

I turn to these practices, over and over and over.