Hate
From the Dhamapada
Phenomena are preceded by the heart, ruled by the heart, made of the heart. If you speak or act with a darkened heart, then suffering follows you—as the wheel of the cart, the track of the ox that pulls it.
Phenomena are preceded by the heart, ruled by the heart, made of the heart. If you speak or act with a calm, bright heart, then happiness follows you, like a shadow that never leaves.
“That person insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me”
- for those who brood on this, hostility isn’t stilled.
“That person insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me”
-for those who don't brood on this, hostility is stilled.
Hostilities aren't stilled through hostility, regardless.
Hostilities are stilled through non-hostility: this is an unending truth.
Unlike those who don't realize we’re here on the verge of perishing,
those who do: their quarrels are stilled.
Most weeks in our sitting group, we drop in a reading during the last period of zazen. After sitting, we talk about it a bit while having tea. This week we read the above passage from the Dhamapada. It gets into something that has been a key theme in my practice over the last couple of years. The best way to describe it is coming to actualize the difference between internalizing and externalizing feelings of blame and anger.
Running in to perceived conflict with family, friends and co-workers, I generally have a hard time getting past the relative reality of "they did that to me, and it was probably on purpose". Anything beyond that are usually just finer iterations of "How could they" or "Well, I never!". Compassion and Meta practices softened some of the aggression and the pain that was being generated, but for me, it never seemed to get at the source. In fact, it couldn't, because I really did not accept the actual source of the anger.
First, many years ago, it seemed that the actions of my perceived transgressor were actually bonded to the anger. It doesn't make a lot of sense when scrutinized, but I wasn't looking that closely at it. I just went with the assumption that it was out there, apart from me. It seemed like my actual problem was being cursed with whatever particular karma doomed me to encounter such irritating people.
At some point, I became more aware of my anger and irritation as a reaction that I introduced to the equation. This didn't get me much further forward, because I also had a sense of righteous entitlement to this reaction. "Look at what they did!!! How could I not be angry???". In fact, from this approach, I treated the anger and indignation as a right; even as an obligation. So the stories continued to be woven and I continued to indulge these negative feelings.
One helpful perspective that has arisen lately is recognizing my capacity to conceive of a conflict, justify my anger, argue my case (even outloud while alone) for extended periods of time, while the person or people in question are completely unaware that there is any conflict at all.
That last part is key, read it again. That I have the capacity to fight an entire war with others without the knowledge or awareness points to the fact that there 3 things at work here...
1. The perceived fight or injustice is a completely different thing from my anger.
2. My imagined version of the conflict is always disconnected from the reality of the actual situation.
3. The ability of my anger to be developed and nurtured is a product of my mental effort, not of the circumstances of the event.
***I feel the need for disclaimer at this point. Things happen. Those things need to be dealt with. But the actual event and the necessary response is the meal. The anger and stories and fights in my head are the extra toppings, and they are neither needed nor helpful.
All of that is what comes up for me now when I read the lines...
“That person insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me”
- for those who brood on this, hostility isn’t stilled.
“That person insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me”
-for those who don't brood on this, hostility is stilled.
I have heard versions of this sentiment expressed many times in many ways. But you know how it is in Zen practice (unless you don't). Sometimes you hear something that you have heard many times before, but you hear it from a different place and it catches you in a new and more helpful way. What caught me about this presentation is that it brings me to a perspective where I can better see these patterns as products of my own mind and not inescapable byproducts of external forces (*again, see disclaimer).
Now all I have to do is put that into action. I mean how hard could it be? I only have a lifetime of habits and conditioning to deal with. Piece of cake.
